did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
