I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
