from now on my penis is your penis
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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