I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
