You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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