That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
