Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
