I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
