i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
