I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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