i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
