I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
