well you can't waste a boner
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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