I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
