either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just invented taco cereal.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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