Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Randomize
