Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
