Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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