guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
