"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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