They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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