I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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