hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
