dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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