I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
