Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
