He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
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