you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
