I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
