Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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