He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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