I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
