my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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