i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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