mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
