I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Someone came in the potted fern
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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