How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
