Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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