There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
