My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
