I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
