What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
