Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
40s are totally the cure
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Randomize
