tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
