Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
