i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
