Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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