Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
