my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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