Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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