3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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